In literary criticism class, you learned about “close reading” of a text. This often meant ignoring the story for the sake of deconstructing the book through a political or cultural lens.

What they should have taught you was a truly important life skill – let’s call it “close weeding.”

Who needs a personal trainer when you can drag your body through the motions of close weeding — and a variety of other gymnastics — in the safety of your own garden?

Close weeding

Close weeding ^TM means strapping on kneepads and crawling inch by inch through your garden rows, plucking away competitors such as crabgrass, unwanted volunteer raspberry roots, pretty but intrusive wild violets, or rampaging bindweed.

Each weed needs a different strategy. In the case of crabgrass, a sharp tug may break the grass from the roots, so you need a slow, steady pull to get the root bundle to release from the soil.

By contrast, eliminating bindweed requires a 10-year strategic plan and multi-pronged tactical assaults. Bindweed will easily give up its slender shoots and pretty blossoms, like a lizard gives up its tail to a predator. Persistent weeding of the shoots does sap the strength of the plant, but your strategic plan needs to tackle the roots as well. They bundle into tight white masses under stone pathways, and in forgotten corners of the garden. The roots may be several feet deep and require slow coaxing, and years of patience and repeated Close weeding ^TM, to the get them out.

Close weeding ^TM promotes ambidexterity. After 30 minutes of dedicated weeding, the wrist of your dominant hand is screaming in protest, and it’s time to switch.  To count down the transition, use the “four more, three more, two more” 20-minute workout method that you learned in the 1980s while sitting on the couch, watching other people exercise on TV.

The beauty of Close weeding ^TM? At the end of the day, if your aching knees allow, you can stand back to see the big-picture story of your garden, with your vegetable and flower protagonists advancing the plot, unencumbered by their weedy, villainous competitors.

Did I mention the fringe benefit of Popeye-like forearms?

Garden gymnastics let your plant protagonists blossom.

Rock it out

The rock garden presents a special opportunity to combine art and athleticism. You could call it Rock Garden Tai Chi.

To nurture your special patches of Flox and Lilies planted amidst decorative chunks of the Canadian Shield, and given your balance isn’t what it used to be when you were a teenager, you will need to assume the position of a Hermit Crab.

Scuttle on all fours from rock to rock. Get grounded near your patch of plants and initiate weeding, watering and mulching. As a Hermit Crab, consider adopting an umbrella as your temporary shell/home, to save on 60-weight sunscreen. Be careful to avoid spontaneous celebrations, which can cause you to stand up, pump your fists, and twist your ankle as your foot loses purchase on a rock.

Instead, scuttle again to the next plant cluster, and be sure crank your neck around to check for nosy neighbors who may be laughing at your garden gymnastics.

Let them laugh. You know that if you weren’t feeling so mellow from the meditative benefits of Rock Garden Tai Chi, your gardener’s martial arts techniques would allow you to beat them silly – in self-defence, of course.

To mitigate your sore back, quads, knees and neck the morning after, ask your family physician about the benefits of a proactive dose of Ibuprophen and Guinness.

Garden cardio

Who said gardening can’t provide a good workout for your heart and lungs, in addition to your muscles?

Sheep manure medicine ball – as the gardening season matures, good quality composted sheep manure can be found at $10-for-5-bags at your local grocer. The blood starts to flow when you see the “blow out” price, but you can really get your heart beating hauling those bags from the store to your SUV. As an added workout, bring your spouse, and use each sheep manure bag as a medicine ball. The workout resumes when you must haul each bag from your car to your garden.

5-K worm run – like sheep manure, worms enrich your garden. They produce nutrient-rich castings, with the added bonus of aeration as they bore tunnels through the soil. Wait for a light rain on a spring day. Strap on your track pants and running shoes. Poke holes in the plastic lid of a tin coffee can, and place a small amount of moist earth in the can. Take the can along on your 5-K run and scan for big moist earthworms on the sidewalk. Pick them up, pop them in your coffee tin and fasten the lid, as worms are escape artists. Run fast so you can beat the Robins and commercial worm-pickers. The excitement of finding a juicy earthworm will move the dial on your heart rate from “maintenance” to “fat burner” mode. During your cool-down phase, reward yourself with an ice-cap at the Tim Horton’s drive-through.

The dreaded John Jeavons double dig – Purchase a copy of the iconic John Jeavons how-to manual about growing tons of vegetables on less land than you can imagine. The less-land thing is related to Jeavons’ more-muscle soil preparation method, which involves two stages of deep digging, wrestling with a sharpened spade, and much grunting. It’s said to be the cardio equivalent to the Iron Man competition. Use this as a last resort if your other gardening cardio methods are not available.

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So lose the personal trainer.

And reap the benefits of cardio, meditation, self-defence techniques and Close weeding ^TM, in the safety and beauty of your garden gymnasium.